What happened?

Where did I go?
I don’t understand a single thing…

Well, I do. Some. But nevertheless I wonder why my life has become so different from what I thought it would be.
And I don’t mean the entire life! I just refer to the last couple of months! How it is now in regards of how it was before moving back to my hometown. I thought I should feel better in every way!

Well I do feel better in many ways! I’m back home, for godness sake! I’m with my family again, and I don’t feel so lonely any longer, and not so hopeless.

But, though I now have enhanced my muscles and can ride my bike more and for longer trips, it seems impossible for me to bike as far distances as I actually want to. My back pain has increased, and the muscles stiffen for almost no cause at all. I’m very tired, don’t sleep particularly well, and have to force myself even to do the most ordinary must-do’s at home. Like cleaning and such.

I don’t write! I was supposed to take more photos, all the city around, I was supposed to blog more – and actually write blog posts! Not only post an image or two!
But when I open any of my blogs with the intent to write something, I just feel a big
NO! I CAN’T!

I was also supposed to start working on some novel or short stories! Be regularly with my writings. Like everyday letting something out from my mind through my fingers.
And I do nothing of the sort!
Why? Is this temporary?

Okay! I see a lot more of my family of course, and I really love that, but I don’t see them everyday. And I read books again – that’s a good thing

But!

Should it take this long to adapt to new better circumstances? To a new, but well-known, habitat?
Should it take this long to let go of old stress? To leave behind loneliness and despair?
I have lived here for almost five months now!

So where did I go?
I do understand some things…
Why stress during a long time – years actually – makes such a impact on us. Makes us ill. And it takes time to recover. Even under the best circumstances.

Second is second

… and still just the beginning. I have to deal with myself a bit more.

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I have had ideas for posts, have even written a couple! But then I have freaked out, and didn’t post them. Is it really that hard to start new? To make a new beginning?

I have actually been blogging for over 10 years now, but wanted something different. Another theme, so to speak, and by that I don’t mean the visible appearence of the blog. I want to write about different things. Not about the shallow dayly doings. I want to write about things that matter, about life, about growth. Spiritual and mental growth, mostly – but without being too stuck about that either.

Oh! And I just want to go on with my life also when it comes to writing! And I picture myself writing about philosophy perhaps, psycology maybe, history, religion, about taking care of the earth, the nature, the bees, the all and everything!

But mostly about the spiritual realm and how to grow as a soul living in a human being.
Is it really that difficult?
And I don’t have to write about philosophy et cetera! That may very well be to overdo the whole writing-thing!

Oh! I guess I’m so blocked when it comes to “open my mouth” about what I think and feel in this matter, that that makes it hard to begin.

This must be a threshold, doesn’t it? A threshold to the next step in my inner growing. To overcome this fear of revealing myself to others. If only on the net…

There are days…

… and lately there have been quite many good ones.

2017-06-09hIn a couple of days I’ve been living here for four months. It must have been the best thing I’ve ever done, moving back home. To my hometown. To where my families live!

Long live workdays!
But LONG LONG LOOONG LIVE being a retiree, who’s finally been able to move back home again!!!

It’s not only the kids and their families. It’s the city itself as well. The old friends – and the new ones. People in general! The surroundings! The woods, the fields, the ocean, the – everything! Even the huge indoor/outdoor mall only about 3 miles away! It’s fun to go there. All the shops, boutiques, stores. Restaurants. Coffeshops. Ikea… people…

I’ve been too much alone for too long, so I kind of revel in mingling with people even though I don’t know them, don’t talk to them. I buy myself a cup of coffee, sit down for a while, and just watch them passing by. Listening to their voices, to the background music. Enjoying being in this energetic flow.

Funny! I’m actually more of an introvert than an extrovert, or maybe a mix of both in some way. But too much silence, loneliness and lack of intellectual and emotional stimulation can do this. Then you just have to engulf what you need, to fill you up.

And other hours I bike or walk alone in the woods, along the fields, at the beach…
I still very much need that too…

This is how it is!

My name isn’t Smith. I’m a Granny though.
This blog isn’t about them, the grandkids. Nothing about baby-sitting, nor any anecdotes about them will be revealed. Probably this is both the first and the last that is said about them in this blog. Or any blog.

I just thought the name Grannysmithdotcom was cool.
And I like to eat them.

Not the kids offcourse, stupid! The apples!

By the way! They don’t need any baby-sitter any longer.
THE KIDS!

The apples never needed…
Or?